• We have officially opened today, 02Jan2021. Welcome to the forum. Please have fun!
Jan 4, 2021
37
50
18
37
Southern California
Pronouns
he/him/his / they/them/theirs
I really feel like I've been a huge asshole for the last year or so, and I want to apologize for that. I got way too caught up in the shipping debates and in this idea that I was somehow "protecting minors and children" to constantly argue about shipping stuff, to literally tell people to die and glorify suicide, to "wake people up" about their not being as deep into discourse and not as interested in ethical and moral debates as I was, to rant about how things that are entirely unconnected to some sort of abuse or social injustice were, to become so focused on morals and ethics and "being a good person" and that somehow being constantly enraged and constantly combative was a good and ethical thing. I became really just an unpleasant and scary person to be around, and I don't know if anyone I have been such a bother to will even read this or care (and you don't have to, and you don't ever have to try to reestablish any friendship with me or trust with me because I get too well that my changing sides around important debates makes me as equally jerkish and untrustworthy as my favorite XG character ;) ) but I'm just throwing it out there.

Does that mean I'm okay with people being creepy about kids or supportive of whatever social injustices or harms are done? No. Not at all. It does mean I've realized rage isn't the right response to almost anything, that wishing people dead or telling them to die over anything (except perhaps hurting real children or animals directly, with valid evidence they are doing so) is unacceptable and not productive for any sort of discourse or social change, that most shipping stuff really is just fiction and enjoyment of it...

And most of all that people can have varying views on specific issues (like what's okay at Pride, what media one can enjoy, etc etc) without those views reflecting on them as a person (unless it's something like supporting trump or being a Nazi or supporting the IRL age of consent being dropped or thinking (marginalized people) shouldn't exist/should only exist the way you want them to - those views DO make you a shitty person I don't want to interact with, but liking a music contest without knowing or caring Israel sponsored it or enjoying a specific food without contemplating how it's made and animal suffering involved, or writing an 18 or 19 year old fictional character with an older one, or just not wanting to do Discourse at all or hear about the latest controversy/abuser callout/etc at all doesn't make someone bad...)

All I know now is that I'm not ever telling anyone to die again for any reason or going off on someone for shipping anything in and of itself (and yes, there I mean ANYTHING, although if you draw/post a lot of l*li art I will block because that stuff repulses me) and... I just feel like so regretful that I let my want to be a better, more ethical, more socially just person instead made me an absolute untrustworthy, unreliable, unpredictable dick and made me do harm to people who gave me chances as a friend, to be selfloathing and buy into stuff spread by bigots (such as the entire kink at pride discourse), and I just want to say I'm sorry. To everyone.

(and, whatever kind of hypocrite you might think I am for that, a word of warning - I'm probably going back to writing some certain Xenogears couples I really do like, on realizing why I liked them and that why isn't and wasn't some sort of ethical/moral deficiency I must hate myself and others over and compensate for by being super ragey just so people know I am "really a good safe person," and that I've had it with both proships and antis as movements. I am no longer either one but take things on a case by case basis per their setting, and am just going to go back to using actual ability to interpret fiction and enjoy it rather than trying to shove it into a Good And Moral or Bad and You Are Bad approach. So if you are a minor or do not want to see any content with the Citan/Fei or Citan/Id or Bart/Billy ships even with Fei/Id at least 18 and most likely much older, and Billy aged up to at least 20 and set several years after Xenogears canon - or referring to them even with no explicit NSFW scenes- I would recommend you preemptively block/DNI me and block the pairings from any Archive of our Own search as they may start appearing again soon...)

Anyway, for what it's worth, I am sorry (for real) and I do apologize to all who I've bothered, hurt, come off as super cringe, or whatever else to, and again, I don't expect anything from this or want anything from it, except to say it, and to try to explain getting myself out of the Discourse swamp for good...
 

whyfish

Windows 3.1
Staff member
URTV
Nov 1, 2020
100
150
43
35
Space Pennsylvania
drawingwithjerin.com
Pronouns
they/whatever
Hey man, it's cool. (y) We're all susceptible to internalizing beliefs that hurt ourselves and others sometimes, and getting constantly bombarded by the same messages with enough perceived authority or social pressure behind them can really wear you down, especially if you're already somewhat inclined to second-guess yourself. I still have certain fandom and/or LGTBQ+ discourse topics that I can't engage with at all because they're so triggering for me it's basically like pushing the self-destruct button in my brain, and my choices when that happens are either to implode or risk causing splash damage. (It's a big part of why I've pulled waaay the hell back from social media this year; keeping tabs on the discourse just got to be too destabilizing for my mental health.)

I'm glad to see you learning from these experiences, as painful as they are. As a general rule I try not to judge people for their preferences in fiction even if it's not my thing or squicks me out personally, as long as they aren't exploiting minors or directly harming real people in any other way. I can't speak for the entire forum but I think the vibe here is overall pretty accepting too. As long as you're warning for content that other folks might take issue with, please feel free to share your work!
 
  • Like
Reactions: bookofblueroses
Jan 4, 2021
37
50
18
37
Southern California
Pronouns
he/him/his / they/them/theirs
Hey man, it's cool. (y) We're all susceptible to internalizing beliefs that hurt ourselves and others sometimes, and getting constantly bombarded by the same messages with enough perceived authority or social pressure behind them can really wear you down, especially if you're already somewhat inclined to second-guess yourself. I still have certain fandom and/or LGTBQ+ discourse topics that I can't engage with at all because they're so triggering for me it's basically like pushing the self-destruct button in my brain, and my choices when that happens are either to implode or risk causing splash damage. (It's a big part of why I've pulled waaay the hell back from social media this year; keeping tabs on the discourse just got to be too destabilizing for my mental health.)
I think, the more I look at it, that's exactly what I've been dealing with, and the worst thing about it is exactly what I guilted everyone else for - the concept that choosing to disengage is Taking The Bad Side. And it's like I've realized that while there are some issues where there is no two sides or no neutrality (e.g. the saying that being nonracist isn't enough, you must be aggressively antiracist is 100 percent true), it doesn't necessarily apply to other stuff and in the same ways. e.g. one can be antiwar while still, unfortunately, living in an imperialist warmongering power and having to exist in its society in some way, etc.

And it's like I used to think in a more nuanced way etc, but then I totally bought into the whole "NUANCE IS BAD GRAY AREAS ARE BAD JUST BE ANGRY THERE IS RIGHT AND THERE IS WRONG" stuff and... now I'm trying to get back to some degree of "actually there's a lot of gray areas and nuance" but at the same time accept that if someone can't see that, it's okay also and their rage is just their way of expressing themselves, too, and that we can and should have a variety of approaches to all sorts of issues...
 
  • Like
Reactions: whyfish